A Letter of Resignation

December 26, 2005

Re: "War" on Christmas

Rupert Murdoch
Chairman & Chief Executive Officer
News Corp
1211 Avenue of Americas
8th Floor
New York, NY, 10036
Phone: 212-852-7000

Roger Ailes
Chairman and CEO
FOX News
1211 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10036
Phone: 212-556-2500
Fax: 212-301-8588

Dear Rupert Murdoch, Roger Ailes:

Subject: My Letter of Resignation

As you gentlemen know, I am a principled journalist who has always believed that my personal integrity is what makes me so admired by my fans and has been responsible for the continued success of FOX News. It is because of my high standards and personal integrity that I now find myself in my current predicament.

There is no way to spin what I must do, therefore, it is with great sadness that I Bill "Jesus" O’Reilly tender my resignation with FOX News and its parent corporation, News Corp. It has come to my attention that as I waged my personal "war" to save Christmas from the secularists that FOX News and News Corp was under cutting my battlefield victories by appeasing the enemy.

As a devout Catholic, and a believer in the sanctity of Christmas, I can no longer associate myself with those that continue to employ the secularist greeting of "Happy Holidays." On the FOX Fans web-pages, my fans find themselves confronting the very bigotry and Christmas bashing that companies like Target and Walmart employed until I, Jesus O’Reilly brought them to their corporate senses. (I am sure you gentlemen are aware of the power I command to weaken large corporations as well as the nation of France by opining the simplest of sentences. Factor fans know and can attest to my greatness.)

Of course, I went to great lengths to win the "war" on Christmas, going as far as making up stories. And what did I receive in return for my efforts? The company that I helped build into the empire it is today repays my efforts by selling "Holiday" Factor gear to my adoring fans. If not for those damned liberal bloggers who hate me as much as they hate George Bush, your traitorous actions might have gone undetected.

Of course, it doesn’t end there. No. Come to find out that FOX News spent a portion of one weekday afternoon show introducing the insignificant people that work behind the scenes at FOX News. Surely a company that puts out talking points for the anchors to acknowledge on a daily basis would have instructed all those employees that spoke on camera to use the Jesus O’Reilly approved "Merry Christmas" and refrain from using the secularist words "Happy Holidays." After all the blood, sweat and tears that I have shed, this is the thanks I receive.

The straw that broke my back was when I learned that the Republican National Committee (that FOX News supports) web-page did not offer visiting Jesus O’Reilly fans a Merry Christmas. No. I am saddened to report (and this will be the last news I report for your company) that the GOP's home web-page offered those that visited…"Happy Holidays."

Clearly Jesus O’Reilly stands alone among mere mortals. It was I who was destined to be nailed to the cross made of his convictions. I will not be laughed at. Nor will I allow others to mock me for my beliefs. Here I stand, resolute in my convictions. I say to those of my loyal flock, render unto Murdoch that which is Murdoch’s.

I bid thee farewell.

Respectfully yours,

Bill "Jesus" O'Reilly
Former Host: O'Reilly Factor
FOX News

cc: John Gibson, FOX News

(This is parody. It is not to be misconstrued as a letter actually written by Bill “Jesus” O’Reilly no matter how much one might think it sounds like him.)


Anonymous WhattheH said...

Good one - if only it were true,,,,sigh.

12/28/2005 2:07 PM  

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